Looking into His Eyes

By Elizabeth Richardson

May 2021, I was at Isabella House, which is a drug and alcohol inpatient treatment center. I had been there for almost two months. It was wise to enter the program, for I could not stay off meth while I was pregnant. My baby would have been placed under Child Protective Services immediately, if I did not go to Spokane, Washington and enroll. I was told I would have to have my labor induced at thirty-seven weeks because my son’s heart rate was so unstable. Hearing that news really stressed me out. All I could do was think, “Am I going to lose him?” As time got closer to the day of my induction I really started to panic. I got so scared that I was making myself physically sick, like I didn’t want to eat anything, I couldn’t get out of bed, and I would have a headache constantly. However, at the same time I was getting so excited to meet my bundle of joy. I just wanted to see him and hold him. I loved him so much without even knowing what he looked like or the sound of his cry. My hormone level was all over the place, along with my moods. Some people say that is just a typical pregnant woman reaction, but I, on the other hand, think it was the emotional battle I was fighting with myself. My thoughts were constantly racing, and my mind would never shut off. I even had nightmares about giving birth to a dead baby. Seeing him would change my life forever.

It was May 26, 2021, I arrived at Sacred Heart Children’s Hospital in Spokane, Washington. At 11 p.m. I checked into the maternity wing of the hospital. They got me back into my room and in a hospital gown, all hooked up to the monitors by 11:50 p.m. The hospital smelled like cleaners and oxygen. The lights were very vibrant fluorescent that looked like the sun on a hot summer day. The floors were shiny like glitter. By the early a.m. they had started the induction process. It began by placing a pill into my cervix to make my cervix relax and to start contractions. About two hours later they placed another pill in my cervix because my cervix wasn’t relaxing. I ended up falling asleep until 5 a.m. when I woke up due to my contraction pain. Excitement crossed over me, maybe he is ready to be born but, when I was checked internally the nurse said that I was only three centimeters dilated, so they placed one more pill in my cervix. That was a disappointment. How much longer would it be? I just wanted to meet him.

Two hours after I woke up the nurse decided to break my water. This sounded scary but it wasn’t that bad. She used a device that looked like a long crochet hook. After my water was released, the contractions started getting a lot worse and they checked me to see how far I was dilated. When they checked me, I was at four centimeters dilated. In the early afternoon I asked for an epidural because the contractions were becoming extremely painful. The anesthesiologist came in so they could give me an epidural. I have a disease called scoliosis, which is where a person’s spine curves. Because of having that disease the doctor took a long time to get the epidural put into my back. When they finally got it put in the medication only took a few minutes to numb me. I was still able to feel a little bit of my contraction pain but that’s normal. It was three hours later by the time they got the epidural in my back and me situated into bed. At this point, my anxiety was dropping. It looked like everything was back on track.

A half hour later the nurses came rushing in and tipped me on my side. I was scared because I didn’t know what was happening. The nurse told me his heart rate flat-lined, but they got him stable. I was laying in the bed scared, and I was unable to stop my thoughts. Within twenty minutes the nurses came back in because his heart rate flat lined again. They got him to stable again but I was constantly staring at the monitor now in fear of what might happen. At 6 p.m. his heart rate flat lined a few more times, and I thought maybe it was time to have a cesarean section. I called the nurses station and asked to talk to the doctor about a cesarean section. When the doctor came in, she said, “Two seconds before I called the nurses station, she decided to do a cesarean section.” The nurses came in after the doctor left so they could get me ready for surgery.

I got into the surgery room forty-five minutes later. They got me onto the table and started cutting me open about a half hour after I got into surgery. He was born by 7:45 p.m. The nurses took him to get his measurements. They put him on my chest. His eyes were blue like the ocean in Hawaii. His hair was a reddish blonde. He had a perfect round face with cheeks that looked pinchable. When I looked into his eyes for the first time my whole world changed. I felt complete, like my whole purpose in life was found at this moment. I started crying because I knew nothing else in the world would be anything like this. That moment was a beautiful breath-taking moment. The emotions and feelings are unexplainable. He was healthy, alive, and perfect. I was a mom, my life revolved around this infant that I had just seen for the first time. While I was having these intense emotions, they were still stitching me up. I could feel the tugging but the only thing I wanted to do was hold my child. I was so happy in that moment. We were into our room by 8:30 p.m. I named him Hunter George Allen Richardson. That first night I was in a cloud. His cry was perfect. I spent all night crying because I had too many emotions. I was a mom and that filled every hole I ever had.

I had this amazing human that is unable to care for itself and it made my world flip upside down. Becoming a parent is the most beautiful thing in the world. Words cannot describe it however all I can say is it is an out of life experience. I wouldn’t change anything about this experience.

Seeing him for the first time laying on my chest made me feel whole. I tell everyone the way that he changed my life forever. I can’t explain the way he continues to change me every day. I wouldn’t ask for anything else in the world. The feeling of being a parent is the most amazing unique experience a person will ever have. If anyone was to ask me how to prepare to be a parent my answer would be get ready for a huge life to change. Children can touch someone with just the presence of them. If someone becomes a parent, they see the world through a new set of eyes. To have an innocent human look at a parent and know they are safe is what life is about. The process of changing happens instantly when a parent looks into their child’s eyes. Nothing in this world is more magical than that feeling a parent will have when they become a parent. As a parent my child means everything to me and that’s all that matters.